Can You Feel That
by Old Russian Lady
Summary: Red looked down at her right hand where she held a serrated metal knife, 8 inches long. Red had to stop the tears before she went in the office again. She couldn't show any weakness. She was doing this for Nicky's own good.


"Count time, ladies!" a CO's voice boomed through the bunks.

Every inmate got up from her bed, dispersed from their gossip circle, or put down their book to stand on the outside of the bunks for the nightly count.

The suburbs were first, as usual.

Red was bunked with Piper and directly across from them were Norma and Nicky.

Every single night, Piper and Nicky would have a staring contest, the first one to blink had to let the other skip them in the breakfast line the next morning. It was just a little game to pass the time during the count.

But tonight, it seemed Nicky wasn't going to play. Piper noticed that when Nicky stepped out to the outside of her bunk, she didn't make eye contact at all. Usual watching the gam in amusement each night, Red noticed too, and it didn't sit well with her.

Nicky was not at all the type of person to miss out on a little competition, even if it was as silly as a staring contest. No, something was up, Red knew.

 _Click. Click. Click. Click._

The new CO, Piscatella, walked by at an even pace but seemed to slow down when he got in front of Nicky, he starred at her for a moment, then resumed his normal pace; something that also had not gone unnoticed by Red.

The count was over and the inmates were told that they could go back into their bunks. The beds creaked as they laid back down, the gossip circles huddled back up, and the books were open again to the last page read.

"Did you notice Nicky?" Piper asked Red as they both sat on their beds.

"Oh, I noticed her." Red almost snarled without meaning to.

"Do you want to play a card game? We have about a half hour before lights out." Piper asked in her usual yuppie voice.

"No, thank you. I think I am just going to go to bed a little early." Red mumbled as she rolled onto her side and covered up with no real intention of falling asleep. Her mind was on Nicky.

Red could've swore she was high, and Piscatella must have at least suspected it to. Red had told her countless times that she needs to stop. Red has tried so hard, blocked every path and yet drugs always found their way to Nicky; or rather Nicky always found her way to drugs.

Either way, Red planned on going to talk to her in about an hour or so when everyone was asleep. Even if she wasn't high, something was wrong, and Red being the protective, and if she was being honest, overly protective, mother that she is, had to know what was troubling her daughter.

That hour passed faster than she thought it would. She propped herself up on the bed using her elbows to peak her head over the bunk wall, peering into the CO's bubble. They were laughing and had not yet dozed off. She decided to wait another hour.

That hour passed more slowly than the last and red herself was starting to drift into sleep. Remembering why she was indeed still awake, her eyes opened and she looked into the CO bubble again. They were asleep.

Red slipped into her slippers and tiptoed over to where Nicky lay in the bed. Except she wasn't there.

"Damn it, Nicky." Red whispered to no one in particular.

She knew where she had to go and she knew what she had to do.

Red headed to the bathroom, preparing herself to see one of the loves of her life puking her guts out, shaking with a cold sweat, and huddled over in pain for a couple of hours.

Red hated it, couldn't stand it. It hurt her so much just watching Nicky go through a detox. Red knew that she felt just as wrecked emotionally as Nicky did physically going through one.

Red entered the bathroom and heard her daughter coughing so violently it made Red shiver.

Red knocked on the bathroom stall, Nicky went silent.

Nicky heard that knock and knew it was her mommy who came to her rescue, like she always did. She never failed at being right by Nicky side. Red always seemed to know just when Nicky was hurting or in trouble and before she could even send someone to go get Red, she was already there. A mind reader? A psychic? No, a mother's instincts.

Nicky opened the door and immediately felt her knees go weak when she saw Red standing on the other side, silent tears falling down her cheeks.

"You crying makes…me feel worse." Nicky managed.

"Good." Red said, without emotion.

Nicky started to fall over but Red rushed to her and caught her before she fell onto the floor.

Red sat down with Nicky's head in her lap, lying on her side. Red rubbed small circles on Nicky's back. With each cough, Red shuddered. With each dry heave, Red felt light headed. She physically couldn't see Nicky like this without taking on some of her pain. It's just how being a mother worked.

Red noticed that Nicky had a cut on the top of her head. She circled around it very gently so as not to cause her girl anymore pain.

"What happened to your head?" Red asked, deeply concerned like a mother and Nicky was as relieved as she could be in this situation to hear her mom become her mommy.

"Hit it when I…bent over the toilet…" Nicky stumbled.

Red sighed. "Let me take you to the kitchen, there is a first aid kit there."

Red started to lift Nicky up and then they were both on their feet. Nicky was shaking and wobbling; Red pulled her close so that Nicky could put as much weight on Red as she wanted. When Nicky's head collided with Red's chest, she moaned in pain and dizziness.

Red cradled Nicky's head with her arm and kissed her temple, "I'll fix you. Let's start walking."

It was a slow journey to the kitchen but they finally made it. Red sat Nicky down on the chair in her office and Nicky motioned her hands for some type of bucket. Red got it to her just in time and Nicky vomited and it shook her violently. She leaned even more forward in the chair and Red was afraid she would fall onto the floor.

"I have you." Red soothed as she put her hands on Nicky's shoulders and slowly sat her back up. She leaned Nicky back into the chair. Red put a cold cloth on Nicky's forehead and wiped it across her face a couple of times. She set it on the desk next to them and stood up.

"I'll be right back." Red reassured.

"No, Mommy don't leave. Don't leave me here." Whenever Nicky would say this, Red's heart would break and it never failed to choke her up and cause her eyes to fill with tears.

"I'm right here." Red put her hand on Nicky's cheek. "I'm going to get what will fix you. You do want that, don't you?" Red's voice was soft and gentle.

"Yes." Nicky's voice was small.

Red left the room. And a minute later was standing just outside the office where Nicky was but at an angle where Nicky could not see her. Red looked down at her right hand where she held a serrated metal knife, 8 inches long. Red had to stop the tears before she went in the office again. She couldn't show any weakness. She was doing this for Nicky's own good.

Red walked into the office and looked at Nicky, who looked at the blade in Red's hand.

"Ma...?" Nicky couldn't finish her sentence because Red came charging at her with the blade raised. Red startled Nicky's legs so she couldn't get up and raised the blade to Nicky's neck. Red looked murderous.

"What are you doing?" Nicky tried to yell but her fear was etched too much in her voice.

"How does it feel, Nicky? How do you feel?" Red seemed blinded by rage.

"What?" Nicky was so confused and scared at the same time she couldn't make any sense out of what was going on.

Red advanced, pushing the blade ever so close to Nicky's neck, the blade almost made contact with her flesh.

"Does this scare you?" Red pushed.

"Yes." Nicky stammered.

"How else do you feel? Come on, Nicky." Red did not sound like herself. She wasn't herself. Nicky was terrified, shaking even more in her seat as much as her body would allow with Red on top of her.

"You're trapped." Red helped her along.

"I feel helpless." Nicky guessed.

"Ok, good. Helpless. Because your legs are pinned and you can't move or because you are so filled with fear and you can't move? Is it one of the other or is it both? Think about your situation, Nicky?"

"Are you going to kill me?" Nicky feared for her life. Red had never looked so… vengeful.

"You are paralyzed from fear. You're helpless. There isn't anything you can do to get out of this situation that someone else has put you in. What do you think the temperature of your body is? I want you to pay attention to all of your feelings." Red touched the blade to Nicky's neck.

"I'm hot." Nicky looked deep into Red's eyes, pleading as much as she could convey.

"You're hot. You are no good at this. May I tell you how you feel?" Red's tone sounded so sadistic. She sounded very much possessed and Nicky did not know how to get out of this situation so she just complied.

"Yes." Nicky gulped and began to cry.

"You feel helpless because you are in a situation that has paralyzed you from your horror. You feel hot because of the fear radiating in your body. You have absolutely no control over this situation that someone else has put you in so you feel scared shitless. Your heart is beating so fats you know it is going to explode from your chest. You are crying uncontrollably because you have no idea if you are going to be ok after this or not. Your nerves are on such edge that it feels as though your body is experiencing an earthquake."

Red pushed the blade to Nicky's neck even more, Nicky thought she cut her.

"Can you feel that?" Red yelled at Nicky so harshly that it hurt Nicky's core.

Nicky was about to die and she just wanted her mother to stop this.

"Yes. I'm so… sc…scared. Just kill me then. Just kill me so I don't have to go through this any longer." Nicky pleaded, tears streaming, heart beating dangerously fast.

Red dropped the blade onto the floor, got off of Nicky's legs, and sat down on the floor, pulled up her knees and buried her face in her hands. Red began to sob.

Nicky was silent for a moment. She was confused, shaking, and still afraid of the woman in front of her.

"Ma?" Nicky said cautiously.

Red's cries became louder when Nicky called her that and that is when Nicky knew it was safe to approach her mother.

"Why did you do that? I thought you were going to kill me." Nicky said, eyes still full of tears.

Red looked up. "I would never do that, my girl."

"Then what was that all about?"

"I want you to stop making me feel that way."

"What do you mean?" Nicky was confused.

"Every time you go through a detox. Every time I help you through it. I want you to stop making me feel all of those feelings. Scared, helpless, terrified, heart racing, never knowing if I am going to be ok after this because I never know which of these detoxes are going to ki..kill..you.."

Red emitted a sob so horrendous because of her last words that Nicky's reaction was to immediately hugged her.

"I didn't know. Mommy I had no idea that you went through that."

"Nicky, I can't stand to see you in any type of discomfort. It kills me when you go through a detox."

Nicky's heart kept breaking. Kept shattering into a million pieces with every word that Red spoke.

"I'm done." Nicky said, measuredly. "I'm done for good, Ma. You gave me a good scare there. But I guess I've given you tons of good scares. I never knew, now that I do, I'm sorry."

Red hugged Nicky tighter than she ever had. She believed her. She was grateful beyond words.

"I love you too much to lose you to these drugs, Nicky." Red sniffled.

"I love you too much to do this again."

They were silent. They hugged for a very long time.


End file.
